Musings from Career True North
Career Direction GPS: Let Go of What "They" Think
by Michele Fawcett-Long, Career True North
So many people that I’ve coached with over the years picked their college major or first career because it was what they thought they were supposed to do. They let their decisions be guided by what the proverbial “THEY” thought, and my clients were miserable.
Do you worry about what THEY would think if you live your true (and maybe secret) life passions? Do you catch yourself asking, “What would THEY think?”, or have an uneasy feeling about being rejected or criticized by other people? The THEY can be truly powerful and the THEY can shut us down.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to ask “Who are THEY really?”
It Started So Innocently
When you were born, you were just yourself. This is important and powerful, because that deeply true part of you still exists. Finding and owning your passions gives this original part of you permission to blossom.
Almost immediately after you were born, however, you started to get feedback from all around you. To survive, you knew you needed your caregivers, so pleasing them was really important. Remember, you did this to stay alive, so there’s absolutely no judgement. We all did it, and this was the beginning of our inner THEY.
And you kept adding to your inner THEY because a 100,000 years ago on the savanna, if humans displeased their group and were left behind, they probably didn’t live very long. We still have this deep instinct to please the group, and it hasn’t updated to account for our modern human lives. We can still feel like we’re going to die if we’re rejected by a person or group, even when that’s really, really unlikely.
So, as you grew up, lots of people – parents, family, teachers, friends, neighbors, media personalities, fictional characters, bosses, coworkers, ministers, police, politicians – all became part your inner THEY that you believed you needed to please. Along with your early caregivers, this became the THEY that you think will judge you when you ask, “What will THEY think if I do this?”
Again, no judgement. You were obeying an ancient instinct to survive that told you not piss off your group.
But is this still true?
When you were an infant, your life could depend on pleasing the THEY. But you’re not an infant anymore. And those teachers who wormed their way into your inner THEY – you probably haven’t seen them for years – or your best friend from first grade, or your middle school basketball coach, or your domineering boss from your first job. Most likely none of these people are still part of your life. And if you knew them now, would you really still care what they thought?
There is no coherent THEY
All you have to do is log onto your social media for a minute or two, and you’ll see that people Do Not Agree With Each Other About Anything. On social media and in your off-line life, you can find as many people who will love what you do as you’ll find people who will criticize.
A THEY with a unified and cohesive idea about what we should do and who we should be does not exist, except as an idea in our brains.
Woo Hoo!
Rewrite the Story
We’ve all taken our experiences with other people and written an ongoing story in our minds with THEY as a domineering main character.
But the THEY is just fiction. Just a story. That’s all. And we can rewrite the story!
If THEY is just a fictional character, then we all get to choose how much power to give THEM. Or not to give THEM.
We get to follow our own sense of truth.
And when you start doing the things that you love, people who like what you’re doing will be attracted to you. You’ll create a new THEY who loves and supports you. And if people criticize you, some of them might eventually see how cool you are, and some might drift off (but is this always so bad?).
Calling out the idea of THEY as fiction gives you freedom. The truth is that you get to choose. You can let yourself love what you love. And living what you love will lead you to your passions and just possibly your next career.
So the next time you worry, “What will they think?” try asking “Who the heck are they anyway?